An Ode to the Animals.

Dear Grandpa Chad,
We’ve been through a lot together. And you’re a nice guy...as far as friendly house spiders go... Your hunting habits keep my room insect free and your gimpy leg reminds me of Finding Nemo...But if you keep splaying yourself out by my closet (or on my toilet paper) you’re gonna meet my shoe.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Goat,
Please look both ways before crossing the road. This will prevent any further instances of being caught between three speeding motos and my oncoming bicycle. My brakes don’t work and I don’t have the money to pay for you if I run you over.

Dear Mr. Cow,
I’m not quite sure which end of you is safer..the front..or the back..but since I have chosen the front, please do not buck me off my bicycle into the well.

Dear Mr. Cow’s Brothers,
Please stop chewing your cud in the spot where I park my bicycle. You’re in my way and I’ve got to get to class..my students are waiting.

Dear Christmas Goat,
I’m sorry we ate you. Although you were delicious. I just wish I hadn’t walked into the kitchen that morning to see the young boy clutching your severed head...and I wish equally I hadn’t eaten severed goat head sauce two days later.

Dear Very Pregnant Goat,
You look like you swallowed a tire.

Dear Momma Duck,
Please keep your ducklings in line and out of the road. I couldn’t bear to run one over with my bicycle. They’re very cute, but they remind me too much of my pet duckling Zaccheus that Kassy and I rescued from the suspension bridge last year. Kassy killed him with her laptop and I can’t bear another tragic duckling death. It’s just too soon.

Dear Camel Herd,
Please limit your road crossing to days when I am not taking a bus trip. Going from 60 to 0 in a middle row jump seat isn’t good for me when I’m folded over sleeping...or for the guy sitting in front of me that I head butted.

Dear Mr. Rooster,
I will not feel bad about eating you. In fact, I can’t wait. STOP CROWING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON...WHEN I’M TRYING TO TAKE A NAP!

To the Over Abundance of Flies,
I give up.