Culture Shock.

On Thursday I arrived in the United States. It's bizarre to leave a place behind and arrive seemingly abruptly in a very different place. To make our transition together a little easier, I made up a list of differences that you might observe. Please try to adapt. ;)

I will speak to you in an assortment of languages. French. Ngambai. And Frenglish. English is no longer in my repertoire.

I will insist on shaking your hand an obscene amount of times throughout the day.

I will be offended if you do not shake my hand an obscene amount of times throughout the day.

I will serve you water when you come to visit me at my house

I will be offended when you don’t come to visit me at my house

I will be offended if you do not wish me bon appétit before I eat

I will insist on wrapping a large quantity of cloth around my head before leaving the house

I will be surprised when church lasts one hour instead of three

I will remark constantly at the softness of cushioned chairs

I will move tables, chairs, furniture..anything..to make sure I am not sitting in the sun

I will insist that you to move to the shade if you are sitting in the sun, (or if the smallest amount of sun is touching you)

I will be cold

I will consider you strange when you only shower once a day

I will shower (or bucket bathe) four times a day

I will laugh when you don’t know how to take a bucket bath

I will sit uncomfortably close to you

I will bargain aggressively for a good price at the store

If you are arriving on a flight, I will talk my way through security to meet you

I will carry things on my head

I will charge my cell phone constantly for fear that the power will go out

I will forget that the power is on

I will sit in the dark

I will store water in various locations in the house for fear that the water will be cut

I will be caught in city parks hunting pigeons..to eat

I will muse constantly on the irregularities of the English language

I will wash my clothes in a bucket on the front lawn

I will sit down on a completely full bench

I will not wait for a place to be made on the bench..but I will sit on top of you until everyone has moved uncomfortably close to one another

I will expect you to share your chair with me

I will transport as many people as can uncomfortably fit in my car

I will interrupt your conversation to point out the imperfections in your skin

I will interrupt your conversations to shake your hand

I will eat with my hands

I will serve meals in a communal dish

I will open bottles with my teeth (ok..this is a lie..actually I won’t and I refuse to try because I like my teeth)

I will talk my way out of a ticket from the police

I will keep a personal stash of toilet paper for fear that...tomorrow...there will be none

I will wear ensembles of head to toe patterned fabric

If you are wearing pants and a fitted shirt I will judge you for “wearing the sexy”

I will keep my bedroom at a comfortable 90 degrees